* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. 

* All generalizations are false. 

* Cover me. I'm changing lanes. 

* I brake for no apparent reason. 

* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control. 

* Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal. 

* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart? 

* He who laughs last thinks slowest. 

* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. 

* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. 

* Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. 

* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 

* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. 

* I love cats...they taste just like chicken. 

* Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 

* Born free...Taxed to death. 

* The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. 

* Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. 

* Rehab is for quitters. 

* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. 

* Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep. 

* All men are idiots, and I married their King. 

* Work is for people who don't know how to fish. 

* Montana -- At least our cows are sane! 

* I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. 

* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. 

* If you don't like the news, go out and make some. 

* When you do a good deed, get a receipt--just in case heaven is like the IRS.. 

* Sorry, I don't date outside my species. 

* No radio - Already stolen. 

* Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges. 

* I took an IQ test and the results were negative. 

* Where there's a will, I want to be in it. 

* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check? 

* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it. 

* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. 

* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW. 

* Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist. 

* IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. 

* Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students. 

* It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. 

* According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist. 

* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill. 

* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. 

* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. 

* Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from? 

* How can I miss you if you won't go away? 

* Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear. 

* Give me ambiguity or give me something else. 

* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. 

* Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot. 

* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. 

* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. 

* Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. 

* Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. 

* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 

* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. 

* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. 

* Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word? 

* Ever stop to think and forget to start again?