General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers--but imagine if they did... 

HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" 

CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!" 

HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?" 

CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?" 

HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine." 

CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?" 

HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" 

CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!" 

HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?" 

CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?" 

HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?" 

CUSTOMER: "It's point to 'E.' What does that mean?" 

HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasolilne. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you." 

CUSTOMER: "What!? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything build in!" 

HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" 

CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!" 

HELPLINE: "What's wrong?" 

CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!" 

HELPLINE: "What were you doing?" 

CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed--and now it won't start!" 

HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?" 

CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash anymore!" 

HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLINE, how can I help you?" 

CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks." 

HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?" 

CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?" 

HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?" 

CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to do what?" 

HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?" 

CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"